2-9: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Havelange

England is divided, but in the midst of political upheaval at home comes a moment of destiny on the pitch. David’s a mess, Kanishk Tharoor is back to try and jinx England, and Tony’s Skyping in from a car in South Africa to wind them both up. Plus IKEA hooligans, a poorly-timed baptism, and a visit from the ghost of João Havelange.

For more from Kanishk Tharoor, follow him on Twitter at @kanishktharoor

Jordan Bailey